


Matchmaker, Matchmaker

by snack_size



Series: A Girl and Her Taser [1]
Category: Marvel Avengers Movies Universe, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Community: avengerkink, Crack, Darcy and Jane ship Science Boyfriends, Darcy is the Avenger's Assistant, F/M, Flirting, Gen, M/M, Matchmaking, Rampant Id-Fic, Science Boyfriends, Shipping, Team Dynamics, Traumatizing Movie Night, Trolling
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-24
Updated: 2012-06-04
Packaged: 2017-11-05 22:18:01
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 19,089
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/411604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snack_size/pseuds/snack_size
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i> Darcy Lewis had a political science degree - summa cum laude, thank you very much - and one internship with an astrophysicist on her resume and apparently this was qualification enough to work as personal assistant for a rag tag group of super heroes who just wanted to save the world.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>She was not going to argue.</i>
</p><p>Darcy and Jane band together to get Tony and Bruce to realize their attraction to one another because Jane wants more time with Thor and Darcy likes to ship her employers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Darcy Lewis had a political science degree - summa cum laude, thank you very much - and one internship with an astrophysicist on her resume and apparently this was qualification enough to work as personal assistant for a rag tag group of super heroes who just wanted to save the world.

She was not going to argue.

She followed behind Jane and Thor as they stood at the threshold of an incredibly messy lab work space. There was the sound of a scuffle coming from inside. “I am sorry, Jane, I let them know to expect you-” Thor began, but was interrupted.

“You can come in! We’re in the back!” 

Thor grimaced, and gingerly led through towards the sound of the voice, stepping over mechanical bits and pieces, stacks of papers, the remains of what had likely been an epic Nerf Arrow war, and other miscellany that Darcy couldn’t even identify. Besides, she was more focused on the three Starbucks cups she was balancing in the very inadequate holder the very inadequate barista had provided her with - who argued over how many espresso shots you could put into a cup, if she was going to pay for them? Or got fussy over the fact that she wanted soy, and cinnamon, and some peppermint in the Chai Latte, if she was going to pay for them? At least Jane’s order was easy.

“Bruce?” Thor boomed. “Tony?”

Two heads poked up from behind some sort of...robot-thing. Darcy wasn’t sure what to expect - she’d seen the footage, read the news clippings - but this was not quite it. Stark’s facial hair did not disappoint, but he looked more the mad-cap inventor than genius billionaire playboy philanthropist. Grease was smudged across his face and his hair was everywhere. Dr. Banner was sort of as advertised, though a lot cuter in person, especially with the glasses.

Both of them stood up to greet Jane, shaking hands.

“I’ve been really impressed with your work, Dr. Foster,” Dr. Banner began, “I read your paper on...” and thus began a rapid fire exchange between the three with of them, with Jane largely demurring but quietly holding her own. Thor beamed, proud.

“I brought beverages,” Darcy said, setting them down on the only clean space she could find. “The one with the little useless stir stick in it is the chai.” 

“Oh, thanks, great,” Dr. Banner mumbled, and he and Stark reached for their cups at the same time. Their hands sort of brushed, and Dr. Banner looked down for a moment before Stark grabbed both and handed the chai over.

“So, what’s this?” Jane asked, squatting down in front of the mechanical thing. More rapid fire science followed, and Darcy raised her eyebrows. Thor smiled at her - she wasn’t sure if it was a good thing, or not, that she and Thor were on the same page.

“Do you guys need anything else?” she asked. This was, after all, a paying job - paying more money than she had ever expected to earn in a year with a liberal arts degree, and that was after the free room and board. 

There were, it seemed, advantages to getting stuck in the middle of Earth’s first contact with alien-gods. 

“JARVIS will let you know,” Stark said, and he smiled at her. “Big Guy, can you show Ms. Lewis to her room?”

“Certainly,” Thor said, and they began to gingerly backtrack their way out of the work space. Once the door slid behind them, Thor clapped a hand on her shoulder and she nearly stumbled forward, but then regained herself. “I think the Lady Jane will be very happy here,” he said. “Bruce and Tony spend much of their time in the lab, working on very impressive things.” _I bet that’s not all they’re doing,_ Darcy thought, but she just smiled.

* * * *

“I thought I was getting a room,” Darcy said, eyeing the suite suspiciously - there was a bedroom, with all of the items she had shipped already set up, an office with StarkTech that made her make grabby hands, and a living area with a large screen television. Not to mention the bathroom. 

“It is actually smaller than my quarters,” Thor said.

“Well, I’m about half of you, so, that works out,” Darcy said. 

“Come. I will introduce you to everyone else.” Darcy smiled, and told herself, _it’s cool, it’s cool...just going to go and meet Captain America and that really scary assassin chick and...the other guy. With the arrows, and the bulging arms._

The computer - AI, she corrected herself - told them that Captain America and Agent Romanov were in the gym, so Thor trotted her down there, pointing out the various landmarks on the way. “This is where we have movie nights on Tuesdays and every other Thursday,” he said. “It is an official team bonding exercise.” He said the last three words slowly, and Darcy had to smile. 

They stopped at the end of the hall, where Thor rapped lightly on a door. “It’s really not a good time-” came a voice from inside, but that didn’t seem to deter Thor - apparently he was just checking for whether the occupant was conscious.

“Son of Coul!” Thor said. “This is our new...assistant, Darcy Lewis. She was previously Lady Jane’s handmaiden. I believe you briefly met her in New Mexico?”

Darcy smiled at what had to be Agent Phil Coulson, _hero_ , who was upright in a hospital bed with a few tubes going in and out of his chest, IVs and machines crowded around him, and a massive stack of paperwork on a desk that had slid over his bed. 

“I, um, thought that I would just be working with-”

Agent Coulson gave her a dry smile and raised eyebrows. “We all do, in the beginning.”

“Well, great,” Darcy said, because seriously, what do you do with a guy who’s been stabbed through the chest by an angry, raging whatever-the-hell-Thor’s-brother-was? “Let me know if you need anything.”

“Oh, I will,” he said, and picked up a very expensive pen and returned to the stack of paperwork.

“Tony Stark moved Son of Coul in after he was released from SHIELD’s intensive care unit,” Thor said. “I overheard some of the conversation. Apparently we are keeping him, because Director Fury is a lying liar who lies.” Thor nodded, almost sagely, and then guided her towards the elevator.

The gym was not what she expected, either - she thought, hyped up Bally, but this was another marvel. There was a shooting range, a sparring ring, a gymnastics mat...and just about anything else a super-hero could want, she supposed. No elliptical, though. She was so awed by everything that it took her a moment to realize that the two people they were looking for were in the center of the sparring ring, grappling with each other. 

Darcy opened her mouth, because it didn’t seem to be a fair fight - but then Agent Romanov slipped out of Captain America’s grasp, twisted around, did an elaborate back flip, dodged a punch, kicked him in the stomach, and then flipped him over. She put a foot on chest. “Yield?” she asked, voice cool, as though she hadn’t even broken a sweat.

“Yield,” he said, genially, and oh God, Darcy thought as he stood up, it was possible that his ass was the most perfectly sculpted ass since-

“Captain! Widow!” Thor boomed. “Lady Jane has arrived, along with our new assistant!” 

Agent Romanov easily vaulted out of the ring, followed by Captain America, smiling with - Darcy decided she just needed to stop herself, because everything about him was perfect, and he had been designed that way, so there was really no need to pontificate on it. 

“Hello,” she said, extending a hand. “I’m Darcy Lewis.”

“Natasha Romanov, but please, Natasha,” said Agent Romanov, cocking her head, potentially thinking of the thirty-four different ways she could kill Darcy right then.

Captain America’s hand shake was much more vigorous, with the obligatory three pumps up and down and big, broad smile. “Steve,” he said. 

“I have introduced Darcy to everyone save for the Hawk,” Thor said. “Do you know where he may be? JARVIS said he was between-”

“Oh, he’s probably crawling around in the air ducts again,” Agent Romanov said, and smiled at Darcy. “He does that. Watch for Nerf arrows.”

“Good to know, thank you,” Darcy said. “So, if you need anything...”

“Anything?” Agent Romanov asked.

“Well, I’m supposed to be largely assisting Jane, but-”

“I’ll keep that in mind, Ms. Lewis, thank you,” Agent Romanov said.

“I’m sure you’ll be spending plenty of time with the coffee,” Captain America said, basically oozing earnesty. “That’s probably really important - the coffee.”

“Thank you,” Darcy said. “I gathered that might be a significant part of the job description.” Steve beamed at her. He was basically the human embodiment of a labrador retriever - although, not entirely, because that raised issues of bestiality, and so...

“Wonderful!” said Thor. “You are not too tired to spar, Captain?” Thor asked. He shook his head in response, leaving Darcy with Natasha Romanov.

“Weeeelll...” she said. “I should probably go and see about...the coffee...” She smiled.

As she made her way back to the elevator, a nerf arrow hit her in the shoulder. She grinned, looking up at the air ducts, but she didn’t see anything. Attached to the arrow was a small slip of paper. _Welcome to the Asylum,_ it read. 

* * * * 

It took Darcy a day and a half to break through to talk to the occupants of the science of lab, who failed to acknowledge unless, predictably, coffee or tea was involved. She felt a little silly, though, getting paid to just retrieve coffee. 

“Fuck, I don’t know what you should do,” Stark said. “Ask Pepper.” Jane peered up from her notes, hair in her face, and shrugged her shoulders.

So Darcy asked Pepper. “Well, let’s see...” Pepper said, walking back and forth in an imposing, structured suit and sky high heels, “Groceries - there’s a list, on the fridge, you should be able to tell the real needs from the jokes-”

“Like buttplugs?” Darcy asked, because she had looked at the list over breakfast and almost did a spit take with her coffee when she found it right between carrots and paper towels.

“Yes,” Pepper said, clicking on her StarkPhone as she walked. “Keeping on top of the Tower Maintenance for the Avengers - Tony has a cleaning staff come in - making sure we have enough punching bags for Steve, other supplies, keep them from annoying Phil too much and make sure he takes his medicine, manage any personal engagements - I’ve got an assistant to take care of Tony, so that mostly leaves you with Steve - and make sure they don’t kill themselves. Or each other.” 

“Right,” Darcy said. She had been dutifully taking notes.

“You should write down the last two - I’m sorry, I was being serious there. Those are the most important.”

“I see,” Darcy said. “Kill themselves, like, boom?” She made a small explosion hand motion.

“There's nothing you can do about boom," Pepper said, smiling slightly. "So it's best not...More like, Tony, for example, has little regard for things like nutrition, sleep, proper human interaction...” There was something bitter, there, and Darcy made a note to herself - _check and see if P and T still dating?_. “Bruce, too, though he’s a bit better because...well. The others are alright about looking after themselves, though Clint worries me sometimes - and then, of course, each other.” 

“I see. So...mediating personality conflicts?”

“At first. But you should try and ensure personality conflicts don’t occur. They’re a volatile mix - well, not Tony and Bruce. They were, clearly, separated at birth.” More bitterness. _check and see if T and B = fucking,_ Darcy wrote, and smiled. “Other combinations - Tony and Clint, for example, should never be allowed in the same room alone together - the seafood incident attests to that - and Bruce, while seemingly mild-mannered, is a complete troll. He tried to convince Steve that the illegal immigration problem in America was the result of Canadians fleeing their despotic dictator and beer manufacturing labor camps.” She sighed. “That should take care of it.”

“Sooo....” Darcy said. “Just to be clear, when they said, do you want a job as an assistant, they really meant...baby-sitter?” 

Pepper flashed her a grin, looking up from her phone for the first time. “You would be surprised how many job descriptions boil down to that.” 

_Hmmm..._ Darcy thought, trying to figure out how, if and when the time came, she would distill that onto a resume.

* * * *

Darcy finally met Clint Barton in the kitchen when she was making lunch for the erstwhile scientists. “Grilled cheese?” he asked, and she turned, almost flinging the sandwich she was trying to flip into the stove’s backsplash.

“Stealth,” she managed to get out, because she was mostly looking at his exposed arms. He was wearing a Mickey Mouse t-shirt with the sleeves cut off. She supposed it was meant to be ironic. 

“It’s in the job description,” he said, as she salvaged the grilled cheese. He sat on the table, putting his feet on the chair, and smiled at her. 

“Erhm, would you like one? There’s tomato soup, too.” 

“Seriously?” he said. “Why didn’t we get you sooner?” 

“Oh, I just graduated,” she said. “And I guess you guys were kinda busy for awhile, you know, saving the world.” 

He shrugged his shoulders and she passed him a sandwich, then followed with a bowl of soup in a plastic container. “And you’re OK?”

“Yeah, more than,” she said. “This place is...well.” He dunked half the sandwich into the soup and jammed it in his mouth. She knew that it should decrease his attractiveness, and yet... “Who would have thought - you take an internship with an astrophysicist, taser an alien-god, and...” He nodded, as though he understood - she supposed, though, when you were a master assassin who used an archaic weapon that there was, probably, a similarly strange conflation of life events that got you there, too. Or something.

“You have any, like, questions, or..?”

“Oh, thank God,” she said. “You’re the first person who has offered to - um, OK, Tony and Pepper?”

“Both claim an amicable break-up, though from what I saw - er, the security footage shows, I would question that. Apparently the whole nuking-outer-space-thing put her over the edge.” He shrugged. 

“Tony and Bruce?” she said, trying to sound ambiguous and not imply.

“The bestest of friends. Science bros, if you will. Who would have thought - the more-often-than-not mild mannered Dr. Banner and Stark? But, super heroes and strange bedfellows and blah blah blah.” He grinned at her. “And, anticipating your next question, yes, pretty sure Stevie Wonder is still in possession of his V Card.”

“Is that, like, a special Captain America card?” Steve asked, as Clint turned and raised his eye brows and Darcy giggled. “Because I’ve been trying to, ugh, replace Coulson’s set and I haven’t heard of that one...”

“Stevie Wonder is an American pop singer,” Darcy said.

“It’s an expression, one that it would take several movies and analysis to explain,” Clint said, at the same time.

Steve pressed his lips together. “Uhm, is that grilled cheese?” he asked, eyes wide and sweet. Darcy nodded - she had just finished the last of the bread she had buttered, but how could you say no to that?

* *

“This is so delicious? How did you know I was craving this?” Stark asked, as she set the grilled cheese and soup by him. 

“I’m telepathic,” she replied. He nodded.

“That explains why you got the job - Banner! The soup is kinda cold, are you still using that little mini welder thingy?” 

“I think it would melt the plastic,” Dr. Banner said.

“You don’t want melted plastic in your food,” Jane said, carefully nibbling on her own sandwich. “The carcinogens-”

“Seriously?” Stark said, turning to face her. “I carried an armed nuclear weapon into outer space and, for a good period of time, was powering this guy with palladium-” he tapped his chest, and Darcy tried not to stare.

“That should have killed you in a manner of months,” Jane said.

“Well, it’s cool. I synthesized a new metal in my garage, so.” Stark shrugged, and then grinned at Bruce. “Eat your sandwich.” 

“Oh, shit, do you not eat cheese?” Darcy asked. She had only found out Dr. Banner was a vegetarian when he had apologized, profusely, for not touching the turkey sandwiches she made yesterday.

“No, no, cheese is good,” Dr. Banner said. “I love cheese. Thank you.” He dunked the sandwich in the soup and nibbled it as Tony gave him a thumbs up.

Darcy tried to catch Jane’s eye - she had either been holed up with these two or Thor since she arrived, so she had to have noticed something. If not, Darcy was going to blame it on spending too much time reading slash fan fiction - it was probably not a good idea to ship your bosses.

Jane gave her a little smile, though, one of those, _aww, isn’t it cute?_ looks she had perfected when Thor did something...Thor-like, though in this context it conveyed cute in the sense that she wanted to squeeze the two of them rather than fuck them. 

_Cool cool cool,_ Darcy thought. _Operation Slash the Scientists is on._ And Jane would totally be on-board - she had already complained, mildly, to Darcy about how Tony gave her an evil look when she had to excuse herself to go and see Thor. She smiled back at Jane, and added, _Also, probably will need to come up with better name than that._


	2. Chapter 2

Darcy backed into the kitchen, using her ass to open the door since her arms were full of the dishes she had collected from the lab. She was barely a few steps in before a hand was on her back - causing her to nearly drop all of the things she had gathered, mostly under protest from Stark, who argued that he was rich enough he could just throw away the dishes. It was only when Dr. Banner gave him one of those looks that he relented and allowed her to go about with her task. Darcy was encouraged by the look - Stark didn't strike her as the sort of person who did things to appease others.

“You know who could probably help you with that?” Clint said, his touch steady, and Darcy relaxed into the unexpected touch because, yes, mmmhmm, more touching, please. “Darcy.” He took the tub out of her hands and set it down onto the counter. It was then she was able to turn around and see the other occupant - Captain America. 

“Really?” he asked.

Darcy didn’t really care what, exactly, she was going to help with - disposing of dead bodies, showing him how to operate the coffee maker, instruction on twenty-first century sexual techniques... “Sure,” she said, and then blushed slightly when Clint grinned at her as he left.

“Here - I’ll help you with these,” Captain America said, smiling broadly. His hand brushed against hers as they began to put the dishes into the sink. _Best. Job. Ever._ Darcy decided - she didn’t even care if she had to wash dishes, if this was how it would play out. “Oh, that’s not...” He held a plate up for her to inspect - there had been some condiment on it that had turned to a bright green mold.

“Yeah, Mr. Stark tried to stop me from keeping that one since he said it could provide valuable experimental data.” Darcy shrugged. “It’s not that cool, though. My roommates grew a slime mold in college. They didn’t believe me, when I told them, so I drew a line around it on the plate to prove it moved.” 

Captain America looked legitimately distraught by this, so Darcy decided it would be best to change the subject.

“So, Captain, what can I help you with?” 

“Steve, please,” he said. “And, well...why does Tony call Clint Legolas?” 

_Finally,_ Darcy thought, _I will be able to utilize my skills and expound upon everything I’ve learned in college._ “Lord of the Rings movies - he’s an elf, in the group in the movie. Shoots arrows.” 

“OK,” Steve said - _Steve!_ she told herself said, and then he smiled at her. “Yesterday, I tried to get Tony and Bruce to come out of the lab for a briefing, but Tony just started shouting at me exterminate! Exterminate! in a weird voice.”

“Daleks,” Darcy said. “From Doctor Who - they’re a genocidal alien villain. It’s a British SciFi show.” 

“Then I told them they had to come, and Bruce said, But I was going into Tosche Station to pick up some power converters!” 

“Luke Skywalker quote, from the first Star Wars movie, A New Hope.” 

“Wow,” said Steve, gazing at her...admirably? Seriously? Captain America? Because she watched too many scifi movies? “You must have an amazing memory.” 

“Sure, I guess,” she said. 

“OK, how about - I’m mad as hell, and I’m not going to take it anymore? I heard Clint shout that to Natasha from one of the air ducts.”

“Network,” she said. “Nominated for an Academy Award and lost to fucking Rocky.” Steve smiled at her. 

"Does it have, like...subtext?" He was careful with the last word, like he had just picked it up from a vocabulary card - and, actually, she would not doubt that he had them.

"I don't think so," she said.

"OK," he said. "It's just, with those two..." he shrugged his shoulders, and handed Darcy the last of the plates. _Noooooo!_ she thought, and then had another thought.

“Don’t you guys have movie nights? Isn’t that the point?”

“Well, we’ve only had three. And we had to draw a lottery to determine who got to pick the movies...I got the first week, so I picked Casablanca, since I didn’t get to...and then it was Clint’s turn, and so we watched some movie with a meteor and these guys had to drill a hole in it-”

“Armageddon. Space dementia,” Darcy said. Clint, it seemed, had uniformly horrible taste in just about _everything_ and yet was still...unf-y. Steve raised his eyebrows.

“And then it was Thor’s turn, and he told Tony to pick him something with lots of fighting and brave warriors, so we watched Braveheart. That was really good, actually.” Darcy held her tongue, on that one, because it just seemed a bit much to quote the whole damn battle speech to Steve.

“Do you have anything you need to do today?” she asked. He shook his head. 

“We’ll start with Lord of the Rings,” she said. 

“Oh, you don’t have to - I mean, I’m sure there is plenty you need to do-”

“It’s fine, Captain - Steve. This probably counts as part of my job description.” She said it in her most professional tone, and was drafting an e-mail in her head. _Hey guys, how’s it going with your 12 hour a day jobs at Goldman Sachs and law school? I’m just hanging out with Captain America. On a couch. We touched hands._ “We should probably get Thor. He’ll like these.” 

“Excellent!” Thor said, when she found him staring at his StarkPad with distrust. “I am in need of some distraction. Jane has not emerged from the lab all day.” He frowned.

“Don’t worry, Big Guy,” she said. “I’m working on that.”

"I would be most appreciative of any effort you could make," Thor said. "We were separated for some time, and-"

"Totally get it," Darcy said, guessing that Thor was probably going to spell it out for her, and...No. Did not need to think about Jane like that. Thor, yes. Jane, no.

“Oh, Darcy?” Steve asked, carrying a massive bag of M&Ms, two liters of cola, a bowl of popcorn, and Darcy’s diet coke. “Is it true that the reason we don’t drink tap water and that no one swims in the Hudson is because there’s a mutant, irradiated giant squid that lives in there?”

“No,” Darcy said, furrowing her brow, because seriously, what the fuck? Who would believe that? She stopped herself, though, realizing she was about to sit down to watch a movie with a Norse deity while, a few floors down, the guy who had told Steve this turned into an enormous green version of himself and was working on a new jet propulsion system for a flying metal suit. _Dr. Banner, she thought, we need to be friends._ She could probably make that part of eeeeevil plan. “No, not that I know of, at least.” 

“Good,” Steve said. “Because, as the Avengers, we really should have been on top of that.”

“I once spent three days, with the Lady Sif, fighting a Kraken,” Thor said. “A noble beast! Jaws of steel! We fried it in butter and feasted for days.” 

* * * *

“Honestly, Darcy, I don’t know what you think but it’s not like I have a lot of experience setting up...men,” Jane said, sipping at her latte. They had finally found a moment to get away together when the Avengers all had to have a meeting with Director Fury remotely from Agent Coulson’s room. 

“Oh, come on - you’re an astrophysicist, there are like, no women in that field, you had to have-”

“I don’t have much experience with romance, to begin with-”

“Dude, you are dating Thor. God of Thunder and abdominal muscles. Don’t. Even.” Darcy said, arching her eyebrow and taking a bite of her cupcake. Jane giggled. “Exactly. Look, leave the planning to me, then? You just help execute.” 

“They’re so cute,” Jane said. “This morning they were trying to catch the donut holes you brought in their mouths. I think they built a little catapult after they got tired throwing them.” 

“See - they’re already _there._ We just have to nudge them in the right direction.”

“There?”

“You know, flirty, cute, friendly. Fucking is one thing, but you can’t have a relationship without liking each other.” Darcy said. She might have got this from a romantic comedy - she wasn’t sure.

“Huh,” said Jane. She took another sip of her latte. “That’s very wise. Are we having girl talk?”

“Um...yeah, I guess so,” Darcy said. 

“I’ve never really had, like, a girl friend before...” Jane said. “I mean, you know. There aren’t that many women, in science, like you said. And I was always so focused. Anyway.” She leaned forward and looked to either side, conspiratorially. “What do we do to nudge them? And! How do you know they...you know. Like men.”

“One of them is Tony Stark. I am pretty sure I remember from tabloid articles and internet research that he...does not discriminate, when it comes to choosing mates. He flirts with anything that enters his peripheral vision.”

“He doesn’t really flirt with Dr. Banner,” Jane said. 

“See, so he likes him,” Darcy said. Jane furrowed her brow. “It’s like how, when there was that boy that teased you and threw his erasers at you in fourth grade? He had a crush on you.” 

“Are you sure of these things, or are you just-”

“There are no certainties when it comes to this stuff,” Darcy said. “It’s one of the benefits of having a liberal arts education, being able to-” Jane shook her head and rolled her eyes. “And, the other person is...I mean, I don’t claim to have a highly refined gaydar and I know he had a lady friend, but he does really like brightly colored shirts.” 

“So that makes him..?”

“Not a 0 on the Kinsey Scale.” 

“You can tell that from a shirt?” Jane asked, and then giggled - then her StarkPhone made a little thunderclap sound.

“Please tell me that’s Thor,” Darcy said. Jane flipped the screen over towards her. _Dearest Jane I require sustenance Please meet me in the lobby at 6._ “Wow. He can text message.” 

“He usually just sends little emoticon pictures,” Jane said, and smiled. 

* * * *

 

“Hello, Agent Coulson?” Darcy knocked on the door tentatively. She didn’t want to bother Phil Coulson, _hero_ , especially since he had just spent his afternoon trying to have a phone conference on important world security matters. But, responsibilities were responsibilities. 

“I have a lot of-” he gestured over the table rolled over his hospital bed.

“I know, I know,” she said. “You would have thought SHIELD would have gone digital, by now, but-”

“Digital can be hacked. Paper can be shredded.” 

“That’s a really good life lesson, sir.” 

“You don’t need to call me sir,” he said, though he offered her no alternative suggestion. He didn’t strike her as the kind of person who would appreciate _yo, Phil!,_ or something similar. He stared at her. 

“Ms. Lewis. Has Barton been sexually harassing you?” Agent Coulson asked, going back to his pile of paperwork.

“No, um. Mr. Stark wanted me to come and get you for dinner.” 

“I’m not really-”

“Yeah, thing is? Security camera up there? Plus he pays the doctor? So he knows you’re actually supposed to be getting out of bed, and...um, he signs my paychecks?” She grimaced. “I’ve got a wheelchair.” 

Agent Coulson looked at her, and shook his head. “I suppose if I don’t show up they’ll all come in here, won’t they.” He looked at his paperwork, and sighed. “Would you mind getting my bathrobe from the next room? And a pair of pajama pants?” Darcy nodded - the next room was full of all of the Agent’s personal items, moved over from his apartment. Darcy grinned at the poster of Captain America that was on top of his dresser, leaning against the wall. Her grin widened when she saw that, inside of his pants, Phillip S. Coulson was stitched neatly inside and that the bathrobe had PSC embroidered on it. _ZOMG,_ she thought, _he’s like a slightly enlarged, lethal Boy Scout._

She waited outside while he changed, then helped him into the wheelchair. “You would think Mr. Stark would have something a little more advanced - this is, like, straight out of One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.”

“If it were motorized, Ms. Lewis, I’d be able to escape,” Agent Coulson said.

“Why would you want to do that, Agent?” Tony asked, falling in behind them as he emerged from the elevator. “Are we not taking good care of you? Do you need better drugs? Besides, why would you want to miss dinner? Bruce is making curry.” 

“That’s very domestic,” Darcy said, and tried not to meet Mr. Stark’s eye.

“Isn’t it though? He’d be pretty much perfect, if it weren’t for the snoring. Or all the wanton destruction of clothing...” Mr. Stark shrugged, but Darcy made a mental note - knowing if your bro science partner snored was certainly _something._


	3. Chapter 3

Dinner quickly turned into drinking, and Darcy didn’t object to any of that in the least - especially since she felt a little out of place during the whole thing, with Jane and Thor out on a date. “It’s the only reason I released Banner to let him cook,” Stark said, leaning against the cupboard as he filled cups with whiskey.

“Dude, you cannot expect her to stay in the lab the whole time with you guys when she’s got-”

“I am cutting you off, Barton, before you make a really bad thunder pun,” Agent Romanov said, downing her glass of whiskey and then carefully pushing it back in Stark’s direction. Clint just grinned at her.

“Thunder?” Steve asked, and oh, Darcy thought, he really just needed a hug. A lot of hugs.

“Never mind, Steve. And, besides, science!” Stark said, and glanced over at Dr. Banner, who was quietly sipping his whiskey and seemed to be genuinely conflicted whether he should side with science or fucking Thor - Darcy, of course, duly noted this and took it as a good sign that she hadn’t been overly stereotypical about his choice of shirts and how that had set off her gay-dar. Also, she was willing to put a significant amount of money on Dr. Banner being that person who got really, really quietly shit-faced in the corner and then all of the sudden was a _great_ time.

“Mmhm, science,” Dr. Banner said, finally. 

“I do not believe you are trying to convince me that you would prefer science over fucking-” Clint began.

“Oh. Thunder,” said Steve, and he furrowed his brow. Darcy resisted the urge to reach across the table and pat him on the hand.

“When I’m not doing any fucking, then, yes, science wins,” Stark said. “Besides, we had almost mechanized the electromagnetic thrust-”

“No science,” said Clint. He pounded his fist on the table.

“You sound like the Hulk,” said Stark, and Dr. Banner pressed his lips together and took a large, but still inconspicuous swig of his whiskey.

“If you’re not going to release the brakes on my wheelchair then you should give me something to drink,” Agent Coulson said. Darcy took it as a sign of their veneration for him, and proof that the man was a complete badass, that no one, not even Stark, had made a comment about his monogrammed bathrobe.

“I didn’t think that would be wise, Agent, with all of the medications you’re on,” Stark said.

“As though you’ve never imbibed while on painkillers,” Agent Coulson replied. 

“That sounds like a bad idea,” Steve said, thoughtfully.

“I’ve only ever seen it really backfire on someone when they try to add a stimulant to the mix,” Darcy said, and then stopped, and raised her eyebrows. “Err...”

“See, no worries, Steve. All the cool kids are doing it,” said Clint. Stark shrugged and handed Agent Coulson about a shots worth of whiskey. 

“He’s just jealous,” said Stark. “Although, I still maintain that this whole not being able to get drunk thing is just some construction of yours, because you haven’t really tried.” Steve rolled his eyes at him.

Darcy leaned back, almost fascinated by the interactions. They were all seated at the table except for Stark, who had pulled himself up onto the kitchen counter and was picking at some leftover spicy snack that had been on the grocery list and Darcy had found in an Indian speciality store in Astoria. 

“Right,” Steve said. “It’s not like there’s anything I would have liked to-”

“Whoa, quick!” Clint interrupted. “Someone step in before things head for the serious!”

“Darcy,” said Agent Romanov, glancing at her from behind hooded eyes, “why don’t you tell us an amusing anecdote about kids these days?” 

Darcy frowned. She had a few, but they were mostly just _we were so wasted_ stories. She was going to have to tell The Best Story.

“Well, one time, my friend Tim meets this girl at a bar - and we’re all pretty drunk - and the girl said that she had a tiger in her backyard, in a cage...and some other stuff, too. And we didn’t believe her, so she called a cab - you know, MADD wants you alive - and we go over to her house. She totally had the tiger - well, not her, but her father - and some other things, too, poisonous snakes and monitor lizards and...so, my other friend, Cat, wants to play with the Burmese python, and it sort of turned into a game of chicken from there. Tim ended up getting dared to pet the tiger, and the girl assures him that the tiger is really sweet and gentle, so he does it. And the tiger bites his hand - he only has a thumb, now. And when everyone asks, how did you lose your fingers? When he tries to tell them, no one believes him.” She smiled, and felt nervous when no one responded to this. “Ugh, so, that was why I decided to buy the taser and keep it with me, all the time. Because, you never know. Tigers.”

“Or Thor,” Stark said, finally, grinning at her. “Seriously? A tiger?”

“There are over 5,000 tigers in the US,” she replied. “More than in the wild.” She had learned this from watching Animal Planet the other night.

“People just...have tigers?” Steve asked. “Seriously?” He glanced at Dr. Banner.

“And lions. And bears. Oh my,” Dr. Banner said.

“No, wait, this is...what is it called?”

“We’re not trolling you, Steve,” Agent Romanov said. “Once I had to seduce a guy who had a leopard. In his living room.” 

Steve appealed to Agent Coulson, who just sighed. “Many people are now stupid enough to own exotic animals,” he said. 

“Wow,” Steve said. “And you don’t have anything like that?” He looked at Stark.

“Why, exactly, would I have a tiger? I have JARVIS and an iron man suit. And, now, the other big guy, over there.” Dr. Banner looked down in his drink and rolled his eyes. He didn’t really seem to appreciate it, but Darcy sort of understood where Stark was going with it - to normalize it.

“I don’t know, it seems like the sort of thing-”

“Are you alleging that I have some sort of...ego?” Stark asked.

“Yeah, I think so,” Steve said. 

“What did you do about the leopard?” Clint asked. Darcy grinned at him - he was a master at this. Agent Coulson’s mouth almost flicked into a smile, so it must have been some kind of a story. Darcy leaned back. 

“Well, that was the problem, because I couldn’t very well leave the unconscious mark in the apartment with the leopard,” said Agent Romanov. “Not that he didn’t...so I lured the leopard towards the bathroom with some raw steak, tossed it into the bath tub, and tried to lock it in there. But the leopard didn’t quite fall for it, so it jumped on me. I had to wrestle it to the ground, and by this point, it’s pretty clear the leopard isn’t having any of it - and really, what kind of dumbass keeps a leopard in its living room? So I shocked it, slung it over my shoulders, and brought it back with me.” 

Stark did a spit take at this. “You brought the leopard back to SHIELD?”

“I named it Spot,” Clint said. “I said we should keep it to spar with new agents.” 

“They put it in my office,” said Agent Coulson. 

“We could have kept it - I have plenty of experience with big cats,” Clint said, shaking his head.

“He now lives in a big cat sanctuary in New Jersey,” said Agent Romanov. 

_This is my life_ , Darcy thought, finishing her whiskey and pushing her glass to Stark for some more. _Just a small town girl..._ “That’s a much better story,” she said.

Agent Romanov reached over and pat her hand - _Natasha Romanov touched her!_ She felt a little...something, definitely. “No, don’t think of it that way. I work for a secretive international organization. You came across the tiger all on your own.” Darcy smiled back at her, and glanced down at her hand where Natasha's - because physical contact totally meant they were on a first name basis -hand had lingered. 

“Companions! You have begun festivities without us!” Thor boomed. He had an arm wrapped around Jane, who looked positively tiny standing next to him. And giddy. “What is that spirit?”

“Whiskey,” Stark said.

“I do not believe I have had that,” Thor said. “After our meal, the Lady Jane introduced me to Appletinis. They were like a liquid candy.”

“This is like liquid fire,” Stark said, and handed Thor the bottle. Jane frowned, slightly, as Thor took a long swig. 

“Ah,” he said. “Invigorating.” Then he picked Jane up, quite gracefully, and draped her in his arms - she was ready to cross the marital threshold. “Come, Lady Jane. We should make good use of this evening and-”

“Yeah, whatever, go on, you crazy kids,” Stark said, waving his hand at them. “I suppose science can wait.” No one said anything as Thor pounded down the hall.

“Is your insistence on cock-blocking them related to your own sexual frustration?” Clint asked, voice almost silky. _He’s doing it too!_ Darcy thought. _Eeeeevil plans can always use more co-conspirators. Especially wickedly skilled assassin archer ones._

“What is this, pick on the guy who lets you all live in his amazing tower mansion for free night?” Stark asked.

“That’s Wednesdays, I believe,” Dr. Banner mumbled, looking up - and, yup, he had definitely got quietly drunk. “And the fourth Thursday of the month, but only between eight and four.” There’s a joke there, Darcy could feel it - another good sign, and she decided her work might not be cut out for her after all.

A loud thump echoed from above them, and then there was a giggling sound. Thor boomed, “I shall show you tease, Lady Jane!” 

“So. I thought this place was sound-proofed,” Clint said.

“It is, mostly - but it can’t be entirely...we might not be able to hear a sneaky invasion, then, if the computers were to go out or not detect it or - look, I _never_ use the kitchen, OK? It wasn’t a priority.” Stark said. 

Everyone looked up at the ceiling, wincing to some degree.

“Living room,” said Natasha. 

* * * *

Later, as the evening wound down - Steve had already gone off, to sleep, and taken Agent Coulson with him, and Stark had sang the party pooper song as they left - Darcy found herself scooting over on the couch to get a little closer to Clint. He smiled at her. She crooked her finger at him, and he leaned in. “I think you might have the same plan that Jane and I do,” she said.

He widened his eyes. “Oh, really?”

“Yes,” said Darcy, very aware that she was drunk, but sometimes it took some liquid courage to get things done. “I caught you doing it, earlier.”

“I’m completely innocent.”

“Jane says it’s hard to leave the lab because Mr. Stark-”

“You can really call him Tony, I think it’s OK.” Clint said.

“He signs my pay checks.”

“Not really,” he replied. “I think Pepper actually does. And she probably has a stamp, or something.”

Darcy considered this. “Anyway, she said every time she tries to have some personal time he gets all pissy with her-”

“Stark? Pissy? Temper tantrums? Never!” Clint said. They glanced across the room where Stark - Tony, she supposed - was playing some kind of drinking game with Natasha. Bruce was judging.

“So, I figured...he needs a distraction.” 

“And you’re going engineer said distraction?”

“For friendship,” Darcy said. “Yes. And I figured, you know, if you were thinking the same thing...we could have a two-pronged attack. Or, at least be aware of the multiple fronts.” 

Clint nodded, and then extended his hand. Darcy shook it, and grinned at him. 

“So, I’ll just keep on keeping on, then? Point out all the time he’s spending not having sex?” Darcy nodded. “S’not hard,” Clint said. “And, worse comes to worse, I can shoot them full of sex pollen.”

“That’s a real thing?” Darcy asked, eyes widening, and then she clamped a hand over her mouth - she had never intended to reveal that she knew about, and especially not about-

“Mmmhmm, yeah. Government invented it. Handed it over to SHIELD. I’ve got some arrows with it in it. I’d already have done it, if Coulson didn’t show me all the fucking paper work he’d make me do.”

“Wow,” said Darcy. “With great power, comes great responsibility.”

“Something like that,” he said, and sort of pat her on the head. Which, again - feeeeeels. “C’mon. Let’s go watch Natasha kick Tony’s ass at whatever they’re doing.” He got up off the couch, amazingly spry and coordinated for how much he drank. He extended one of his very well muscled, exposed arms out to her. Darcy took his hand and shuddered, a little, inside.

“Thanks,” she said, and he shrugged as they walked over towards the bar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The tiger incident actually happened to my father's friends. He has taken to always having a copy of the news article reporting the incident ("Tiger Bites off Man's Fingers in Niagara Falls") with him at all times since no one ever believes him.


	4. Chapter 4

She woke up the next morning with a hangover and the distinct sense that she might have done something embarrassing, like confess to Clint Fucking Barton that she was trying to set up Tony Stark with Dr. Hulk. It was one of those things that seemed like a _great_ idea when you are intoxicated, and then you wake up to the prospect of a walk of shame while the crew team is doing their morning run...

“Coffeeeeee...” she mumbled, pushing out of her bed, and Darcy put on a bulky cardigan to emphasize the fact that she was in a particularly _Walking Dead_ type of mood.

Over breakfast, she sucked down coffee and debated with Jane what their next move would be.

“Well, what did you do in college, when you wanted two friends to get together?” Jane asked.

“Got them drunk,” said Darcy. “If that didn’t work, we’d tell them that they should go and hook up with the other...or that the other thought they were hot.” Jane pressed her lips together. 

“Ooh!” she said. “What about a double date? People do that, right?” 

“Yes,” Darcy said - they did, as far as she knew, in many movies and television shows. “So you and Thor will ask-”

“Well, you’ll have to come too,” Jane said. “I mean, I can’t do this by myself.”

“So, OK, cool, I’ll just be, like, the weird third wheel-”

“Ask Steve,” came a voice from the doorway. Darcy turned and grimaced, slightly, to see Clint leaning against it. “He likes you.” At this pronouncement, Jane reached out and grabbed Darcy’s wrist and made a little _squee_ noise that sort of made Darcy’s head hurt but was also really, really adorable.

“Ugh...really?” Darcy asked.

“I know these things,” Clint said. 

“You are telling me that Captain Fucking America thinks I’m cute?” she said, pushing her glasses up.

“Mmhm, yeah. I think so, Natasha thinks so...”

“You talk about these things?” Clint shrugged his shoulders and grinned at her, and Darcy thought, _oooh, they totally are fucking. They definitely are._ Of course, she came to this conclusion regularly with the pair of them, and then disavowed herself of it. Probably the same as everyone else - but there was something in the way Clint shrugged, and sort of demurred, that made her think she might have finally managed to crack through.

“If this ends poorly-”

“I’ll pinkie swear with you, how about that?” Clint asked, and Darcy rolled her eyes and then held out her pinkie finger to the archer. 

“You know that this is legally binding in the state of New York,” she said. His eyes widened, slightly, and then he broke from their pinkie lock and poured himself a large mug of coffee.

“That’s good - almost as good as Banner.” Clint said, and Jane grinned at her.

 _Cool cool cool,_ Darcy thought. _Agenda for today - arrange triple date. Lure scientists out of cave for date. Ask Captain Fucking America on date with me._ No way any of that could end badly.

* * *

“Oh, hi, Darcy!” Steve said. He looked up at her as she walked into the living room - he had arranged some fruit and other items on the coffee table and was sketching. He beamed at Darcy. He beamed at everyone, though - well, except for Tony, but that was an understandable exclusion. 

He set his materials down, neatly, and smiled at her. “Hi,” she said. _Heey, friends, soo, banking jobs? Law school? Sucks, I know. Today I had to grow some stones and ask Captain America on a date after some crazy assassin convinced me he had a crush on me. I know, right?_ “So...”

“What does may the force be with you mean?” he asked.

“Oh, that’s Star Wars again,” Darcy said. “We’re going to need to watch that next, I think, uhm...have you ever had Thai food before?” 

“Thai?” Steve asked. 

“From Thailand,” Darcy said. “Err...also known as Siam?” 

“Oh,” Steve said. “No, I don’t think so. Is it good?”

“It’s very good,” Darcy said. “Probably my favorite food - you like spicy food, right? Like, you’ve had Dr. Banner’s curry - you’ve survived?”

“His curry is really nice,” Steve said. _He is the nicest, most genuine person on earth,_ Darcy thought, and she cringed inside, because she knew that even if he didn’t want to go on a date with her, he would say yes. She inhaled.

“Well...would you like to go and get some Thai food tonight? With Thor and Jane and-”

“Oh,” he said, and he pressed his lips together and seemed deep in thought. “Out to dinner?” She nodded. He smiled at her. “With another couple?” She nodded again, and then felt bad.

“And maybe Tony and Dr. Banner.”

“Oh, well, they should get out of the lab,” he said, and there was a slight frown on his face. _Oh, God,_ she thought, and suddenly it was as though her stomach was attempting to do a Keri Strugg. 

“But...I mean, that was just because...I mean, I wanted to ask you.” She smiled. She had even put her contacts in for this.

“Oh,” he said, and the smile was back. “Well, that’s swell. I’d like to.” _Oh, fuck,_ she thought, mind suddenly filled with images of naked Captain America - she’d looked at that photo, _the_ photo, of him exiting the Vita-Ray chamber before this to grow a pair in order to ask him - because if there was any possibility that someone that looked like _that_ might consider going on a date with her... Now, more within in reach, images of naked Captain America doing naughty things to her.

“Great,” she said. “Seven?” He nodded, and smiled again.

She grabbed at her StarkPhone and made a face, because she had no idea what, exactly, to say in this situation, now. “Oh, balls. I mean, shit. I mean...I need to go and help Pepper with something soIwillseeyoutonightOK?” She backed out as she said the last part, and then almost ran down the hall to get away from the living room.

A nerf arrow hit her on the shoulder, again, and she whirled around. _See, I told you!_ said the note affixed to the arrow, and then underneath was _S <3 D!!!!_ She shook her head in the direction of the nearest air vent and dropped the arrow on the floor. 

* * * *

Before Darcy realized exactly what she was about to say, _really_ , she raised her hand and said to the scientists, “Hey, Darcy here.” _Thank god none of them will know the reference-_

“Here to take us on a life changing adventure?” Stark asked, poking his head up from under the desk and grinning at her, and she almost blushed, before she realized that they were in the same place, nerd-gasm wise, so...

“Sort of,” she said.

“We’re going to go out for dinner tonight, all of us,” Jane said. She was somewhere under a table, too.

“Huh,” said Bruce, who was sitting on top of a desk and doing battle with a pomegranate. “Is that really a good idea? Because I’ve been running the numbers on the ion core, and-”

“It is a very good idea,” Jane said, and finally appeared from behind some papers. “You both could stand to get out. Besides, it’s Thor’s night to cook.”

Both of the men grimaced at that. “I don’t see why you won’t just let me hire a chef,” Tony said. “We certainly have the room, and-”

“I found this really awesome Thai place, nearby?” Darcy said. “And, you know, it would be good, go out and patronize one of the businesses re-opening after the...thing. With the alien slug ships.” Bruce considered this, and Darcy raised her eyebrows.

“Is this, like, a date?” Tony asked. “Because - who do I get to go with?” Jane’s eyes widened, and her mouth opened, and Darcy prayed that she didn’t say something-

“No, not really. Sort of, I mean, since Thor and I - but, it’s just...well, Darcy asked Steve, and-” Darcy squeezed her eyes shot.

“You did?” Stark asked, and he seemed...excited. “You asked out Captain Purity Ring? Did he blush? Did women even ask men out in the forties?” 

“Uhm...yes?” Darcy said. “And maybe no, I don’t know, I was a poli sci major, not history-”

“And he said yes?” Stark asked. Darcy nodded. “Holy shit, Stevie’s first date. Well, now we’ve got to go, Bruce.”

“No we don’t,” Bruce said, and he took his glasses off and wiped them on his shirt. He was studying Darcy, though, and she wondered if they hadn’t been found out.

“Oh yes, yes we do - can you just see it? He’ll pull her chair back, and call her ma’am, and wear his nice pants...oh, it will be precious. Are Clint and Natasha coming?” 

“No,” Darcy said. “They’re going to help Coulson with paperwork.”

Stark chuckled. “So that’s what they’re calling it. Is Agent even cleared for sex, yet?” Darcy narrowed her eyes at him, realizing for the first time that, all along, he’d been using Agent as Coulson’s first name. “You can count us in, Ms. Lewis. Reserve for six.”

“I didn’t say anything about going-” Bruce began, but Stark threw a wad of paper at him.

“You’re coming, you have no say in the matter, I’m not going to be some awkward third wheel - unless either of you is interested in a threesome?” Jane shook her head, serious, and Darcy just cocked her head at him. If they had threesomes in the nineteen forties - and she was pretty sure they did, it’s not like people invented sex at Woodstock - Steve Rogers most certainly did not know about them. 

“Oh, right now it’s BYOB - so, do you have, like, any Gewurtztraminer or should I get some?” Darcy asked.

Stark opened his mouth, and then closed it. “That’s impressive knowledge,” he said, finally, “for someone just out of college-”

“Oh, I went to school near the Finger Lakes,” Darcy said. “We did a lot of wine tasting.”

“I should have some,” he said. “But make sure there’s one bottle for each of us - we’ll give Steve’s to Thor.”

 

* * * *

“So,” Pepper said, materializing in the doorway as Darcy ordered more lab doodads and widgets, “I hear that you’ve asked Steve on a date.” Pepper didn’t often venture to this part of the Tower - she had told Darcy that it was on the recommendation of her therapist, so that she used less Xanax. Darcy was not entirely sure if that was a joke.

“Well...a double date, sort of,” she said, though if Pepper knew this, it was possible she also knew about the nefarious, eeeeevil plan.

Pepper pressed some buttons on her StarkPhone and then sat down on the couch next to Darcy, who entered an order for something that she was pretty sure was going to go _boom._ “What are you going to wear?”

Darcy looked down at her jeans and the striped shirt she was wearing. “Clothes?”

“Darcy - are you serious about this?” Pepper asked. She had put her StarkPhone down.

“Ugh...yes?” 

“Steve is a nice, genuine, thoughtful person,” Pepper said. “And he is, as Director Fury often points out, the heart of the Avengers Initiative. And he is a friend of mine.”

“So I better not break him,” Darcy said. Pepper nodded, slowly. “Well, I certainly don’t intend to be the woman who smushes Captain America’s heart.” She winced, imagining the tabloid covers, the Internet gossip.

“Good,” said Pepper. “So. Should we go shopping?” Darcy raised her eyebrows and glanced around the room. “I could use the break...and besides, now that Tony’s occupied with _science!_ I have a lot less damage control to do and, therefore, more time on my hands.”

“You’re going to buy me stuff?” Darcy asked, because, really? Really?

“Think of it as an early bonus. You’ve been doing a good job.” Darcy wrinkled her face. “No one’s died...or been seriously injured, and everyone has mostly got along - there was that incident between Clint and Thor, but he’s mostly indestructible and besides, Thor thought it was funny, so-”

“No harm, no foul?” Darcy ventured, and Pepper nodded. 

They took a cab to a boutique where Pepper had a personal shopper who ushered them into a back room and immediately presented them with champagne. “Woah,” Darcy said.

“I know, right?” Pepper replied. “I started out working for Stark right out of college, as an assistant in the research and development department - I never imagined...” She shrugged her shoulders, looking wistful for a moment. “Well.” 

“Tell me about it,” Darcy said. “I just keep thinking - good thing I had that taser.” That could probably be a good title for a memoir, if it came to that.

The personal shopper returned, along with another assistant, each weighed down with items. Darcy sucked down the first bottle of champagne as they arranged things - she hated trying on clothes, nothing ever really fit her with her hourglass figure, and she wasn’t keen to do it in front of model thin Pepper Potts. At least there was a private dressing area.

To her surprise, the items fit well, and she cycled through a variety of dresses and pencil skirt and top combinations. “Too much cleavage,” Pepper said. “You might very well break him - in a different way.” Darcy grimaced. Good thing she had worn her good bra and her Spanx.

“Is this for a special date?” asked the personal assistant.

“He’s...old fashioned,” Pepper said, and Darcy blushed.

They finally settled on an empire waist dress with a full skirt and cap sleeves that a v-neck, but not too much of a v-neck. “You look fantastic in red,” Pepper said, smiling. Then shoes appeared, and purses, and Darcy couldn’t bring herself to watch Pepper cash out with the super amazing Platinum Stark Company Amex. She just took the bag, smiled, offered her profuse thanks, and smiled some more. 

“No, no, don’t even,” Pepper insisted. “Like I said, it’s an early bonus. Here, at Stark, we like to encourage our employees who do a good job with a fantastic package of benefits and bonuses.” She paused. “Besides, you and Steve...would be good together.” _The match maker is match made,_ Darcy thought. Like a Jane Austen novel - possibly. She’d never read them, but one of her roommates in college had been an English major but might have well as been majoring in Austen. “Now we’ll get your make-up done, and you’ll be ready to go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The exchange between Darcy and Tony:
> 
> _Hey, Darcy here." Thank god none of them will know the reference-_
> 
> _“Here to take us on a life changing adventure?” Stark asked..._
> 
> is from Avatar: The Last Airbender (I have no shame. Netflix instant + being a freelance writer = these things happen). Darcy's quote is from _The Western Air Temple_ , where Zuko decides to join up with Aang and Co. Tony's quote is from Toph, in Sozin's comet, because in previous episodes, everyone but here got to go on life changing adventures with Zuko once he joined them.
> 
> End Nerding Out.


	5. Chapter 5

Looking in the mirror, the realization hit Darcy - _I am going on a date with Captain America._ She corrected herself, _Steve Rogers_ , because she could tell Steve was sensitive about it. He was always telling everyone, please, it’s Steve, looking a little chagrined about the whole thing. It was adorable. A lot of what he did was sort of adorable, and earnest, and... _Hold it in, Lewis,_ she said to herself, as her stomach roiled. _You can do this._

Especially since she had a super fancy, incredibly well fitted dress and make-up done by Pepper’s preferred make-up artist - subtle, pretty, highlighting her lips with a soft pink lip stick and mascara that did things she hadn’t thought were possible, due to gravity.

On the other hand - this was the World’s First Super Hero (tm), Leader of the Avengers, Captain Fucking America, Adonis Personified-

She got cut off when her door opened and Jane stood there, wearing jeans and an oversized - everything on Jane was oversized, though - sweater.

“Oh fuck, I am so over dressed,” Darcy said.

“You look...fantastic,” Jane said, eyes wide. Darcy darted for her closet. “No, don’t-”

“You look like you! I can’t...ohmygod,” she said, grabbed her one nice black cardigan, and slipped it over the dress. “OK,” she said. Jane made a slight face, but then nodded. 

“I just wanted to tell you to stay here,” she said. “Because Steve is going to come and pick you up. Or that’s at least what he told Thor.”

“Ohmygod,” Darcy said, and contemplated locking herself in the bathroom.

Jane grabbed her shoulders and gave her a look - the same look she had in New Mexico when all of her things were being taken, right before she had tried to attack Agent Coulson. “Darcy Lewis. Don’t fuck it up.” 

Darcy nodded, and took a deep breath. RuPaul was right - and she smiled, thinking of all the Monday nights when Jane would put down her research, grumbling, but in appreciate way, about how Darcy had got her addicted to a reality competition for drag queens.

“OK,” Jane said, and she walked out. 

Darcy was left in the middle of the room, and she debated the merits of medicating herself. She had a stash of Vicodin left from her appendectomy and the Xanax that her college health center handed out like free condoms - but she was interrupted, by a knock on her door, which was for the best. She was definitely one of those people who drank alcohol when nervous. It might have made for a good sitcom episode - but not an episode of her life.

“One moment,” she said, took the new clutch purse, inhaled sharply, and told herself - _what’s the worst that can happen? It doesn’t work out, he’s a nice guy...and you can always tell people about the one time you went on a date with Captain America._

She opened the door, and couldn’t help but raise her eyebrows. She was not the only one who had been made over for this evening - Steve was wearing a pair of slate pants that sat lower on his waist and a striped button down shirt. The only thing that kept him looking like he had stepped out of a JCrew catalogue was the leather jacket, which was - she agreed with whoever decided he needed to keep that.

“Darcy,” he said, smiling - but there was something there, in his eyes, that looked...she couldn’t quite place it, “you look...really great.”

“Thank you,” she said. “You as well.”

They stared at each other. Darcy smiled. Steve glanced around. Then, carefully, he drew her in for a hug and pat her on the back. “Are you all ready to go?” he asked.

“Yes, thank you,” she replied. _WTF?_ she thought, then realized she hadn’t been on a date - a real, proper date where the point was to determine your compatibility with the other person in a very, very long time. “Is everyone else-”

“In the lobby,” Steve said, and Darcy nodded. They walked in silence to the elevator, and Darcy searched for something to say.

“So...how did your day go?”

“Oh, I spent most of it sparring with Thor,” he replied. “He’s a really tough opponent - we focused mostly on close hand to hand fighting.” Darcy allowed herself a few moments to consider that mental image. “You?”

“Oh, well, I had some work to do for Pepper,” she said. “Administrative stuff. And then I had to make sure Agent Coulson didn’t threaten, frighten, or arrange for bodily harm to befall Lauren - the nurse Tony hired? Have you met her?” Steve shook his head. “She is...she does not take any shit. She’s basically Nurse Ratched - uhm, sorry, she’s basically a...well, I’m pretty sure it’s part of Tony’s continued campaign to annoy Coulson.” 

Steve nodded. “I don’t get it. He made such a big fuss about having Coulson come here. Clint had to hold him back from head butting Fury. But then-”

“I think it’s his perverse way of showing that he cares?” Darcy said, as the elevator doors opened, and she thought, _OK, that went well, all is well-_

“Look at you two crazy kids,” Stark said, wearing what he had in the lab. “Don’t they look sweet, Bruce?” _Shit!_ she thought. She was supposed to be... she sighed, and glanced up at Steve, sort of blushing next to her. It had, she decided, been several days since her eeeevil plan was set in motion. She could wait another day or two. It was important to have priorities.

“Mmm,” said Bruce, glancing at Darcy and smiling. “Tony wanted to get some car-”

“They’re called limos,” Tony interrupted.

“But I told him we were all capable of walking three blocks.” 

“I should think so,” said Steve, furrowing his brow at Tony, then shaking his head. “You can consider it part of your training.” He arched an eyebrow at this, and Darcy caught a glimpse of Captain Steve Rodgers, soldier. 

Thor was the focus of the conversation on the walk to the restaurant as Jane and Bruce tried to explain to him where Thailand was and what the cuisine was like. Tony hung back, behind them, and Darcy got the sense that he was watching her - and Steve seemed to pick up on it too, and it didn’t deter him from taking her hand at one point. She swooned - she definitely swooned, and understood why they did that, back in the ye olden times. 

The hostess at the restaurant fawned over them when they entered, thanking them for saving the city and her family’s business and then asking if she could get a picture with Thor, Tony, and Steve. A waitress emerged with a camera. “Don’t you want to be in the picture?” Jane asked Bruce.

“Ugh, no, definitely no,” Bruce said. “Better if people don’t realize...” 

“Oh,” Jane said. “I’m so sorry, I completely.” 

He smiled at her - he was pretty adorable, too, Darcy decided. “No, it’s fine. It’s nice. It means you don’t really think of me-”

“Of course I don’t,” Jane said. _Dude,_ Darcy thought, _they are all totally in a three-way science bromance._ It hadn’t occurred to her that they would stop talking about astrophysics and engineering and whatever the fuck else while they were in the lab.

“We have a private room for you,” said the hostess, smiling at all of them. The room was nicely lit, with plenty of wee candles scattered everywhere, and they sat at a round table.

Darcy did not look at Stark when Steve pulled her chair out for her. “Thank you,” she said, and he smiled, and sat himself. When he took his napkin and set it in his lap, she followed.

“Darcy picked out the wine pairing,” Tony said, as the waitress began to pour for them.

“It goes really well with Thai food,” Darcy said.

“Oh,” Steve said, and he seemed to have to consider this for a moment. 

“Certain wines augment the flavors of various cuisines,” Tony said, speaking slowly, as if to a child.

“I will have some, then,” Steve said, and he smiled at Darcy, and she did her best to be resolute and not to collapse into a pile of goopy cellular remains. Alternately, every time he smiled at her, her ovaries were one step closer to bursting. “Thank you,” he said to the waiter. “I’m not really sure what to order...”

“Nor am I, Steve!” said Thor. “I am willing to entrust myself to someone who is more familiar with this region and its cuisine - Bruce told me about his many adventures in Thailand” -as Thor continued, Tony mouthed at him, _you were in Thailand?_ and Bruce shrugged- “so perhaps you should order for all of us!”

“Ugh, OK,” said Bruce, and he pulled out his glasses and put them on his face. Darcy watched Tony, then, and thought she caught him, for lack of a better term, checking out Bruce as he did this. And then he was definitely checking him out as Bruce reeled off their order in what sounded like and probably was, given the waiter’s reaction, pretty good Thai. Tony seemed impressed.

“Did you get those little fried corn cakes with the sweet sauce?” Darcy asked. “Those are my favorite.”

“I got two of those,” Bruce said. "They are the best."

The first moment of awkward silence descended on the table, meaning it was a good time for Darcy to take a very long drink of her wine.

“So,” said Tony, “this is normally the portion of the evening where we would ask each other what we did, and where we went to college, and share an amusing anecdote or two about our terribly interesting lives - well, we actually have terribly interesting lives - and by then we’d be eating. So, since that can’t happen, I propose we-”

“Just no, whatever you’re going to suggest. No.” Bruce said.

“I wish to hear the Man of Iron’s suggestion,” Thor said. “Or, perhaps I could tell you of some of my exploits-” 

“Thank you, Thor,” Tony said. “I was going to suggest something where we could get to know each other, maybe a little game called Never Have I Ever-”

“You are such a troll,” Bruce said, rolling his eyes. “And, besides, how, exactly, is that going to work?” He waved his hand around the table.

Darcy had something to say on the matter - which was, in her experience, the only way the game _ever_ worked was when people talked about sexual exploits - but couldn’t really say that, given her circumstance. “I am not familiar with this game,” said Thor.

“Well, basically,” said Darcy, “it’s a drinking game, and so someone says something they’ve never done, and if the other people in the group have done it, they have to drink. One time, I was playing it at a party at the International Student House at college, and the negative sort of confused some people, so we changed it to Ever Have I Ever, but we had to stop when the guy from Germany told us about the time he got knifed while on a bad LSD trip.” 

Tony pursed his lips at this.

“Where did you go to college?” Steve asked, and he seemed concerned. 

“Liberals arts college in Upstate New York - it didn’t happen there, though. It was in Germany.” She smiled at him. 

“Nothing interesting ever happened to me at college,” Jane said. 

“See, look, you can still tell us stories about your wacky adventures,” Bruce said, to Tony. “You must have plenty of them from when you were eight and went to MIT.”

“Fifteen,” Tony corrected. “And, not really. Fifteen is not a good age, for a male, hormonally, and all of that, and so I was covered in acne, my voice was cracking, and was being introduced to drugs and alcohol - it wasn’t pretty.” It was like he was daring someone to say something.

Darcy figured a diversionary tactic was necessary. “People have fun at MIT?” she asked.

“Yes, surprisingly, as present company illustrates, not all scientists are-”

“To be fair, most of them are,” Bruce said, and Jane nodded. 

“Fine, fine, but that’s why I’m keeping you,” Tony said, and he was looking at Bruce as he said this. Darcy glanced over at Jane, who was looking at her, and smiling. If her legs had been long enough she would have kicked Darcy under the table.

“In Asgard, at feasts, we often have minstrels regaling us with songs of great battles won and great loves celebrated,” Thor offered, and he took Jane’s hand as he said this. Jane blushed.

“Right, so - amazing, technologically advanced civilization, and yet you have bards.”

“You do not? Yesterday, while on your Internet, I came across-”

“That was five hundred years ago,” Darcy said. “Now we have Gawker.” 

“Oh!” said Steve. “I know what that is - I searched for my name and they had a lot of pictures of me on it, they-” he stopped, and glanced down as he blushed.

“They were all from the rear, weren’t they, Cap?” Tony asked. “Don’t be embarrassed. The Internet isn’t full of fangirls worshipping my ass.” 

“It is full of your ass, though, if you know where to look,” Bruce said, nodding slowly.

“Was it JARVIS? I’m going to have to rewrite his code-”

“No, Clint,” Bruce said. “He was showing me some of the things I’d missed, in Western Civilization, in the past couple of years.”

“Oh, that’s a poor excuse,” Tony said. “I’ve had sex tapes on the Internet for longer than that.” 

Steve looked even more concerned, bordering on mortification - and Darcy had wanted to prevent them going down this avenue, she really had. She reached under the table and took his hand. He turned, and smiled at her.

“I’m sorry, is that not polite dinner conversation?” Tony asked.

“Sex? Not quite, but you do know I was in the Army, right, Tony? It was more the who than the what.” _Oh, snap!_ Darcy thought, and did her best to hide her grin, because she hadn’t known Steve had that in him. 

“You were the one-”

“No, that was me,” said Bruce. He shrugged his shoulders. “Sorry. It was inappropriate.” 

“There are several bawdy songs that are often presented during evening meals,” Thor offered. “Ah, the food is here - why are these items so tiny?”

“They’re appetizers,” Jane said, voice patient. “There will be more food.”

“I should hope so,” Thor said, and he crossed his arms as plates were set in front of him.

“What is good?” Steve asked, as Darcy reached for and commandeered some of the fried corn cakes for the two of them. She suggested a spring roll, as well, and some of the fried vegetables. 

Conversation between the table ceased as they ate, and Steve turned to Darcy. “These are really good,” he said. “I’m amazed at how many different types of food you can get...I grew up on hot dog vendors and breakfasts at diners.”

“I love a good diner breakfast,” Darcy said. “Waffles and bacon. Mmmhmm. My friends and I used to go out on weekends mornings, as a treat-”

“Really?” Steve asked. “We did that too, my friends from school and I.”

“What did you go to school for?” she asked, and she knew that she should know this - she had certainly read his Wikipedia entry enough times, after accepting the job. 

“I did one year of art school before I...” he made a small waving motion with his hand.

“Oh, wow, cool,” Darcy said. 

“I wanted...well, if I wasn’t going to get to be a soldier, to be an illustrator.” 

This comment got picked up on. “Is that what you’ve been sketching?” Tony asked, “Something for a _Meet the Avengers_ children’s book?” Jane giggled at this, which Darcy was inclined to do - she could totally see it, and yet...

“But how would you explain Clint and Natasha?” she said. “And wouldn’t all those Duggars in middle America be unhappy with Thor?”

“What have I done to these Duggars?” Thor asked. Jane tapped him so she could whisper in his ear.

“That was what I was going to say, which is, not a good plan, Captain - you’re the only one who is a suitable subject for an illustrated kid’s book, and that has already been done.”

Steve turned a deep shade of red at this, and grimaced. “I don’t know if that’s better or worse than the trading cards.”

“Oh, come on,” said Tony. “You had posters with your face everywhere selling war bonds-”

“That was to help the soldiers and the war effort!” 

“And chorus girls. I think you can handle trading cards and a kid’s book.” 

“You used chorus girls at the Stark Expo, didn’t you?” Darcy asked.

“It was an ironic statement.” 

“Please tell me they had little Iron Man cheerleader outfits,” Bruce said, and he was looking at Tony as he said this, wry expression on his face. _Figures,_ Darcy thought - _their date was going better than hers._

“To be fair, I was dying at that point, so-”

“You were dying?” Steve and Thor asked together.

Tony waved his hand. “Oh, look, the main course! Right on time, now we don’t have to discuss that awkward and self-destructive period of my life - though I did fulfill one of my life’s goals of eating a donut while sitting in a giant donut, so that was something.” 

Darcy helped Steve pick amongst the various curries and other dishes, and she couldn’t help but watch as he gingerly got some pad thai on his fork and then ate it. “Oh, this is good,” he said. “Wow. And you were right - the wine does taste nice with it.” She had forgot Steve was even drinking, since he had been sipping his slowly and she was already on her third glass. It hadn’t settled her down, either, but sort of made her even more nervous about the whole endeavor - really, what was she thinking? 

“Thanks,” she said. “I learned it in wine class.”

“You had wine class in college?” 

“Yeah,” she said. “I mean, it was an elective.” 

“I find this spicy food to be most delicious,” Thor said, setting his fork down. Darcy decided it was probably best to relocate the panang curry to her side of the table. Thor watched her as she did this, smiling. “Darcy - Steve tells me you have been a great help instructing him in the ways of this realm.” 

“I - ugh-” she began, but Steve smiled at her.

“Therefore, I must ask you about a collection of stories the Lady Jane has which I watched the other day-”

“You watched some of my DVDs?” Jane asked, and she looked a bit embarrassed. Darcy could only imagine. For a really, really ridiculously smart person Jane had interesting taste in television.

“Yes,” said Thor. “You said that what is yours is mine, and so I decided to learn about a girl called Buffy, who slays vampires and demons.” _It could have been worse,_ Darcy decided. _He could have watched True Blood._ “Is this the Black Widow’s occupation?” 

“Do you think Natasha would find that question flattering, or not?” Tony asked Bruce. “Because I’m debating how far I need to be when I repeat it.”

“Noo,” said Darcy. “It’s...” she almost said fiction, but she knew Thor to be more intelligent than that - it had to be hard, coming from a place like Asgard and coming across television shows, some with more accurate portrayals of a different world, some with more fantastical elements. “The slayer, that’s fictional? And there aren’t vampires, as far as I know?” 

“Well, that’s an interesting thing to bring up, because-” Bruce began, but Steve cut him off.

“Darcy told me there was no giant squid.” Bruce frowned, and almost pouted, at her. 

“To be fair, there is a lot of pollution in that water,” Tony said. “I wouldn’t be surprised if there were mutant somethings in there.” 

“I found it most entertaining,” said Thor. “This Buffy is a most impressive warrior - much like the Lady Sif.” 

They continued, from there, but things were largely pleasant - and there was coconut ice cream, which Darcy heartily enjoyed. Pepper, Darcy knew, had already supplied the restaurant with Tony’s AmEx and so they were able to leave as the meal was over.

It was much cooler out than when they had left, and Darcy wrapped her arms around her waist. “Are you cold?” Steve asked. 

“No, I’m fine, I-” she began, but he shrugged off his jacket and draped it over her shoulders, smiling. “Thanks. That’s really sweet.” 

“It’s no bother,” he replied, and ahead of her, she noticed Tony nudging Bruce and then glancing back at them. Steve took her hand, again, and the lightheadedness she felt from the wine was amplified by the contact - so, things hadn’t been as bad as she thought? Or he was just being nice? She was going to have to read up on how people dated in the 1940s. 

He took her up to her room in their own elevator, and then stopped at the door. Darcy felt her heart race increase as he turned to face her, and smiled at her - and then there was that look, in his eyes, again, and she was able to label it. Melancholy, not quite sad, but...

“Is everything OK?” she asked. 

He pressed his lips together slightly. “It’s...you just remind me of someone, in that dress.” 

“Oh,” she said, and she could guess who that someone was - she remembered the picture in his watch from the news reels they had watched in school. 

“But, it’s...I had a really, really nice time tonight,” he said. “Even with Stark there.”

Darcy smiled, and glanced up at him, and thought, _Dear god I know I don’t really believe in you or even think of you as having a capital G, but seriously, I’ve been pretty good, and..._ “I did too.”

“Next time, we should do something, just ourselves.”

“Next time?” It sort of came out like a squeak, and she wanted to kick herself - so not becoming.

“Oh...I mean, if you’d like to go out again?” He looked so...she’d already cycled through pretty much all the words, at this point, and he was all of them, then - shy, awkward, sweet, endearing, adorable, and there were just so, so many feels - and she knew it was probably not how things worked, where he was from, but she couldn’t help herself.

She leaned up - and, thankfully, the heels gave her a good four inches - and kissed him on the lips, making sure to keep it light and chaste. “I would,” she said.

“Great,” he said, and his smile was soft. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Darcy. We can think of something then.” He kissed her, then, on the forehead, and she opened her door so that she could promptly go inside and collapse against it. 

Her next immediate course of action was to pull out her cell phone, pull up Jane, and text _HE KISSED ME AND AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH ANOTHER DATE._

Jane wrote back with several, appropriate emoticons - possible evidence that Thor had hijacked her phone, but Darcy wasn’t concerned. She was more concerned with the fact that she had kissed - _Shit Fuck Shit,_ Darcy thought, and flopped backwards on her bed.


	6. Chapter 6

“Ms. Lewis, Mr. Stark requires your assistance in the lab,” JARVIS said.

“Sounds ominous,” Coulson said, not looking up from his paperwork Darcy had been helping him with. He had given her strict instructions just to organize the forms and file the ones cataloguing the same incidents together, but Darcy couldn’t help but read through some of them and, when Coulson wasn’t looking, fill in some of the spaces the Avengers had left blank - _primary offensive weaponry used? Rabid wombats._

“Sorry, Agent Coulson - I’ll be back as soon as I can,” she said. He waved a hand at her, and she grabbed her bag and headed for the lab.

She knew better, by this point, to expect anything when she ventured in there - smoke, flying debris, claims of mutated, vengeful agricultural products - so she was not surprised to find the three of them surrounded by pieces of metal and electronic bits. 

“Do you like puzzles, Darcy?” Stark asked, holding out what appeared to be a tube. 

“What happened here? Did you try to reverse the polarity?” she asked. 

“Dummy broke Jane’s thingy,” Bruce said, shrugging his shoulder.

“I was attempting to recreate the electromagnetic flow necessary for the flux-”

“Where’s the Delorean?” Darcy asked, accepting the tube and sitting down.

“For someone who knows absolutely nothing about science you certainly-” Tony began.

“Wait, here,” Darcy said, handing Stark the tube. “I’m going to go and get a very large pot of coffee. Then we can do this.” It wasn’t, exactly, how she wanted to spend her afternoon, but at least it gave her an opportunity to view the progress of Operation Slash Scientists which had, unfortunately, fallen to the wayside given recent developments and so required her to invest further energy in an attempt to determine where things stood.

“I don’t get it,” Jane said, when she returned. “One is named Dummy and one is named Butterfingers and you still let them touch things?”

“I’m attached to them - I built them when I was young, and impressionable, and...you just wait until you find your first, totally inadequate but still worm-holey worm hole,” Stark said, handing Darcy back the tube in exchange for a cup of coffee. 

“I find it’s never a good idea to get too attached to your...” Bruce shrugged, and looked down at the screws he was separating out of a pile of metal. Tony wrapped an arm around his shoulder, leading Jane and Darcy to exchange a glance.

“Aw, Bruce,” said Tony. “I know you have conflicted feelings, but trust me, I’m really fond of the big guy. And his smashing.” Bruce grimaced, and added some more screws to the pile he was making. “OK, change of subject! For example, Darcy, you had a date last night-”

 _So did you,_ Darcy almost said, and so she opened her mouth and then closed it, not wanting to reveal their plans. “You were there,” she managed, instead.

“Not at the end.”

“Don’t you have, like, security cameras everywhere?” she asked, though she blushed slightly.

“Oh, young love!” said Stark. “I never imagined, when I invited this rag-tag bunch of emotionally crippled super heroes, wounded and/or embittered SHIELD agents and assassins and their various girlfriends and assistants to live, together, with me in this Tower that love would blossom, even...bloom?”

“It’s a veritable garden,” Jane said.

“This is a StarkPhone charger,” Darcy said, picking up a cord.

“Looks like Dummy did more damage than initial estimates suggested,” Bruce said.

“Were there blooms?” Stark asked.

“I’m not answering that question because I have a feeling I know what you’re alluding to,” Darcy replied. She found a long wire and held it up for Jane to look at. Jane shrugged.

“Right, so, proper gentlemen - nothing less than I would expect.” Stark grinned at this, as though the whole thing was his idea. “So, are you courting?” 

Darcy frowned - she would have preferred to keep her personal life personal and work life at work, but it was sort of difficult when they overlapped to this extent and resided in the same building. 

“Maybe,” Jane said, voice a little shaky, “which is to say, I think, your preoccupation might be solid evidence of the fact that your own, personal life, is...a bit of a desert?” She winced, and glanced at Bruce, who was biting his own lip.

“So we’re going to hit below the belt, are we, Dr. Foster?” Stark crossed his arms and pouted.

“This is someone’s StarkPhone,” Darcy said, holding up a phone. She tapped her finger on it, revealing a picture of a very adorable puppy. “Who’s going to own up to this?”

“That was very brave,” Bruce said, making eye contact with her for the first time. “It could have been a compromising picture of-”

“I have no problem looking at pictures of Thor’s ass,” said Darcy. “Besides, I’ve seen it. Hospital gowns do not cover...anything.” Jane was grimacing, then. “So...puppy?”

“It’s mine,” said Jane, taking the phone and sighing. “What? I like puppies!”

“Clearly,” said Tony. “And, what would you have me do, Dr. Foster?”

“Well, it can’t be that hard to date, as a billionaire genius playboy philanthropist,” Jane replied.

“It is, though,” Tony said, using a screwdriver to point at her. “Because, in the case of nearly all of those adjectives, the people who are interested in-”

“Well, then, you’re just going to have to find someone who’s interested in you for your genius,” Jane said, taking a long sip of her coffee and glancing at Dr. Banner, who was looking down and...yes, sort of blushing. _Touchdown, Jane!_ Darcy thought. _Alternately - Us, 1; Science Bros...well, they were technically going to win, too, so..._

Her disjointed thinking was interrupted by JARVIS. “Agent Coulson, for you, Ms. Lewis,” he said, and with only a beat for a transition, Agent Coulson was on. “Rabid wombats, Ms. Lewis?”

“Right - I’m going to leave you guys to that, and go help-”

“Oh, Darcy?” said Tony, who seemed a little...flustered, or maybe she just wanted him to be. “It’s your turn for the movie, tonight.” 

“Cool cool cool,” Darcy said, picking up her mug of coffee and heading off to face the sort-of wrath of Agent Coulson. She glanced at her watch. By the time she got back over there, his percocet should have kicked in. Agent Coulson was sort of adorable when stoned.

* * * *

“You did really good work in the lab today,” Darcy said, as she and Jane sat and had coffee in the afternoon. “Very impressive.”

“Thank you,” said Jane. “It’s just frustrating. They keep...looking at each other. I want to just push them together and be, like, kiss, you fools!” She pounded her small fist on the table.

“I see Thor is rubbing off on you,” Darcy said.

“I’m giving you permission to call me out when I start speaking in an English accent,” Jane replied. 

“You know,” said Natasha, sneaking up on them and programming the coffee maker for her usual double expresso skim latte, “you have a lot of power, with your choice of programming this evening.” She arched an eyebrow. 

“Are you suggesting I play, like, some romantic comedy? Because I don’t really like those...well, _Love Actually_ works, but I’d rather save that for around Christmas. _Bridget Jones_ , too, everyone has to find their Mr. Darcy - that might be applicable-”

“In these situations,” Natasha said, “I find it best to hit below the belt.” 

“Something that emphasizes...the futility, of stalling, when-” Jane offered.

Darcy grinned, and, from the look Jane got, it was likely an unhealthy sort of grin. “My choice is clear,” she intoned. 

“Also,” Natasha said, taking her coffee. “You get a point for rabid wombats. Even Clint was impressed.”

“I do what I can,” Darcy said.

* * * *

It occurred to her, as she was placing the takeout order for movie night, that she hadn’t seen Steve yet and she had said she would and - _fuck!_ she thought, and quickly keyed in the rest of the pizza toppings. “JARVIS?”

“Yes, Ms. Lewis?” 

“Where is Steve? I mean Captain Rogers?”

“I think it is safe to say you are on a first name basis with him, Ms. Lewis,” JARVIS replied. Darcy pursed her lips. “He’s just returned from a run and is in the elevator.” _Nice,_ Darcy thought, and ran so she could intercept him.

“Oh, hey!” she said, and smiled as the elevator opened. She took him in, slowly, the running shorts that had probably been appropriate at some point - she was not objecting - the t-shirt that clung to his...the hair in his face.

“I just got back from a run,” he said, smiling at her. 

“Oh, great,” she said. 

They looked at each other. Darcy widened her eyes, expectantly, and then opened her mouth.

“So, I guess tonight is movie night,” he said, “and so, that sort of ruined the idea of...but, since it’s Thursday, tomorrow is Friday? So...we could go out then, on what would technically be a third date, and-”

“That sounds great,” Darcy said, and she reached forward and then wasn’t quite sure what, exactly, she should touch, so she put her hand into her jeans pocket.

“Swell,” said Steve. “Uhm, so, I’ll make plans for...something? I’ll let you know what time?”

“Absolutely,” Darcy said. Steve smiled, and it occurred to her that she may not have considered the ramifications of her movie choice on...which was a huge misstep, because this was... _oh, fuckity fuck fuck,_ she thought, because she’d already submitted her choice and there was no turning back now. 

“OK, I’m going to go and shower before...I’ll see you in a bit, OK?” She nodded, all the while thinking, _I’m going to break him for reals._

* * * *

“So, Darcy had the movie choice this evening,” Tony said, standing in front of the television that was nearly as wide as her last dorm room. “And she’s chosen the Oscar nominated Pixar movie _Up,_ which I can’t say anything more about, since I haven’t seen it.”

Darcy looked around the assembled group. Steve was sitting next to her, smiling, and holding her hand. Clint had helped them maneuver Tony and Bruce next to each other, and the archer currently had his mouth slightly open in what could only be described as horror. Coulson was in his wheelchair, the wheels locked, next to Darcy. She did not see when he leaned in towards her. “I think this might qualify as psychological warfare, Ms. Lewis,” he said. 

“I know,” she replied, equally soft. What had she done?

“OK, everyone has pizza? Drinks? Thor, are you ready?” 

“Verily,” Thor replied, from the large easy chair where he sat with Jane in his lap.

“Great, let’s go, then,” said Tony. “JARVIS?” 

Darcy closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and decided to accept full responsibility for what was about to happen.

Later, much later, there would be jokes about it - Coulson, voice calm, _I once saw all the Avengers cry._ After this, betting pools emerged over exactly what had caused the outpouring of emotion, but no one even came close. Over the comm, during a particular gory and unfortunate Doombot invasion, Clint would say, _Well, it was no Up, at least._ And, after time, there were positive things that were taken from it - upon spying something interesting, Bruce might say, _Oh, there’s something down there! I will bring it back for science._ And so forth, and so on. 

Later, Darcy would feel like a bad person, because she did indeed break Steve but he didn’t hold in against her - instead, as soon as Ellie said to Carl, _You and me, we’re in a club now,_ his eyes widened and welled, slightly, and he leaned into Darcy and squeezed her hand harder. The tears came when, a minute later, Ellie said, _Swear you’ll take us! Cross your heart! Good, you promised!_ All Darcy could do was wrap an arm around here and sit, frozen, trying not to gawk and keep her attention on the screen.

Everyone else was done in by the montage, either by the scene in the doctor’s office or the ending moment, when Carl was left alone. And despite moments of comic relief - where one, or two people would laugh, and then look self-conscious - it was the quietest and most somber movie night.

The spell was undone by Thor, at the end - thank god for Thor, Darcy thought. “Tony! Why have not invented such a device for Midgardian dogs? Or, indeed, infants?” 

“Well, that’s a good question,” Tony said. “I suppose, since I’m not an animal behaviorist-” 

Steve looked at Darcy, and she remembered when she had first met him and compared him to a labrador retriever - except now he looked like one that had been kicked, and didn’t understand why. “That was really sad...” he said.

“I know,” Darcy replied. “It had such good reviews on Netflix, I figured...” She shrugged, and Steve nodded, and gave her a light kiss. 

"I'm looking forward to tomorrow," he replied.

 _I, Darcy Lewis, am a bad person,_ she thought.

Later, as she sat in the kitchen with a cup of hot chocolate and tried to justify what she had done, Clint snuck in and set his StarkPad in front of her. “That was a bold move, Lewis,” he said. “That took stones. Thought this might cheer you up.” 

He tapped his finger, and footage was revealed that JARVIS has taken as they watched the movie. It was the massacre she had thought it was, but as the key moment in the montage came, Clint zoomed in on Bruce and Tony. They were both ramrod straight, and their mouths opened slightly at that point. When Ellie passed away, they moved into one another, shoulders touching, and then, considering the whole thing, their hands clasped together. Clint fast-forwarded - they remained, clutching each other, throughout. 

“Well, that was the plan,” she said. “I just totally forgot about-” 

“Yeah, the parallels in the story - I mean, the little boy is even smaller than the girl...and then he lives...but Steve’s a big boy. Maybe he’ll learn something from it, as well.” Clint paused, and then put his hand over her hand. “Besides, I’d never thought I’d see Tasha cry over a movie, so that’s something I and Coulson can cross off our bucket lists.” 

“OK,” Darcy said. 

“Hey, JARVIS?” Clint asked.

“Mr. Barton?” 

“Where are Tony and Dr. Banner right now?” The AI did not respond, and Clint arched an eyebrow at Darcy and grinned. “JARVIS? Yoohoo?” 

“You do not have the proper security clearance for an answer to that inquiry, Mr. Barton,” JARVIS replied.

Clint held up his fist, and nodded at Darcy. She smiled, remembering her original mission - now a verified success - and touched her fist to his. 

The rest, she would have to fix tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I first watched _Up_ during what can only be described as a particularly fragile moment, and it did me in. I have no idea if it had that affect on others, but oh man, it is definitely _that_ movie for me. It seemed, though, that each of the Avengers might have their own connection to it.


	7. Chapter 7

The next afternoon, in the kitchen, Darcy received further verification of her success. She had spent the morning - possibly as some sort of penance - filling out requisition forms for a variety of items the Avengers needed and could only really get through SHIELD. She was not entirely sure she was comfortable with Natasha having a rocket launcher, but agreed with what she had written on her version of the form - _while I was completely able to hold my own with two Glocks during the Chitauri invasion, I feel that proportionality should be considered in future missions._ Still. A rocket launcher was a bit...excessive? She had to laugh at what was written underneath, in what she recognized as Clint's handwriting from all of his Nerf messages, _Agent Barton would like to ask this request be denied since Agent Romanov never shuts up when she has a bigger weapon._

“Success, I think!” Jane said, in the kitchen. She and Thor were eating waffles. “They haven’t turned up in the lab all day.” 

“Last evenings entertainment appears to have an impact on our two scientists,” Thor said, eating a whole fourth of a waffle. “Though it is strange to me that a movie prepared for children would be so...” he trailed off, looking troubled. Jane pat his hand and smiled at Darcy. 

“It’s not unusual,” Darcy said, eyeing the waffles. “I was traumatized by the _Lion King_ , as a child-” she stopped, when Jane raised her eyebrows and shook her head slowly. _Right,_ Darcy thought, and smiled.

“These waffles are delicious - would you like to join us, Darcy? It appears we have enough batter,” Thor said, eating another waffle square.

“I do love waffles,” said Darcy, sitting down at the table. Jane reached for the ladle as Thor did, and then she pulled back.

“Please, allow me,” said Thor, carefully pouring the batter and then putting the top of the waffle maker down. “I must admit, Darcy, I am most impressed with your matchmaking skills. On Asgard, many matchmakers have been employed to find spouses for my companions, the Warriors Three, and the Lady Sif, but as yet have been unsuccessful.” 

“Yeeah,” Darcy said, remembering her brief encounter with the four of them, “thing is, not so familiar with Asgardian...you know...dating customs? So...” She got a horrifying flash of her future matchmaking successes leading to her being presented with Asgard’s Most Difficult Bachelor, Loki. 

"Oh, well, I would not ask to employ your services until you had a much better sense of what each was looking for in a mate," Thor said, smiling. And Darcy thought, _Bet Sif and Natasha would get along swimmingly. Or try and kill each other, and then get along swimmingly._

"Cool," she said.

“Well! What is most important is that we salute your victory, for which I am most grateful, as it allows the Lady Jane and I-” Darcy nodded, vigorously, and fortunately Jane interrupted and told Thor that he might want to get her waffle out of the iron. “Would you like some of this golden syrup? Or perhaps this soft white powder?” 

“We’re celebrating, right?” Darcy said. “Give me both.” 

* * *

When she went back to her workspace she nearly knocked over the vase of flowers that had been set on her desk with her coffee mug. Her eyes widened - in her twenty-three years, no one had ever given her flowers besides her parents, and yet here were five white lilies with a note attached. _I will pick you up at seven,_ it read, the writing careful, and underneath was Steve’s signature. 

She felt a swell of what she at first thought was moderate panic and then realized might be something slightly different, something like...intense liking. _This wasn’t supposed to happen,_ she thought, because, seriously? She had only gone to New Mexico for the summer, and then the semester, to get away from the douchebag rower who had been almost gleeful to tell her that they had only been fucking, and that he had a girlfriend back home - who was much better suited to him, seeing as “knew her way around a sailboat.” Additionally, she had watched several educational videos about Captain America during her time in the national public school system and, in high school, had sat in the back and had whispered conversations with her best friend about how dreamy he was. _At least I didn’t have a poster_ , she thought, _and am not doing a full Katie Holmes._

On the other hand, _A Girl and her Taser_ 's best seller potential was increasing exponentially.

Darcy reached into her desk drawer where she had a small pill container for her Xanax, but before she could open the container she was intercepted by one of those fucking Nerf arrows. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath - _You can dress casually - maybe bring a sweater?_

“Barton!” she said, because fuck, how had she not realized she had been played? Before she could dwell on this, however, there was a coughing sound from her door.

“Where?” came a voice, and she whirled around in her desk chair to see an incredibly disheveled - and hello, mental imaginary - Bruce Banner in her doorway, eyebrows raised.

“The air ducts,” Darcy said, waving her hand in the direction of the offending vent opening. 

“Huh,” said Bruce. “I think I might be the only normal one here.” 

“Agent Coulson?” Darcy asked.

“No,” said Bruce. “To do his job? Manage the Widow _and_ Hawkeye, and now the Avengers? He’s either heavily medicated or batshit crazy.” 

“Is that a clinical diagnosis?” Darcy asked. Bruce shrugged and smiled at her. 

“So, this is awkward, but...” he said, and then bit at his lip slightly. Darcy thought of a variety of ways that the sentence could end, since Bruce had never asked her to do anything, except the one time he had wanted to make sure their dinner order included vegetable sushi, and of course the only things she could conjure to complete the sentence were related to sex. She had no doubt Bruce was the one who had put buttplugs on the grocery list, and- 

“Thanks,” he said, softly.

“Oh,” she said, and shrugged her shoulders. Were you supposed to discuss your machinations with those that you...machinated on? Was that even a word? “You’re welcome,” she said.

“Calla lilies,” Bruce said, “they mean beauty.” 

Darcy couldn’t help but glance around, and then look down at her oversized striped shirt and jeans. She might have made a very slight _eep_ sound, as well. Bruce just smiled at her, and then shuffled away. She hoped that he had been sent as an emissary of the two of them, because there was no way she could deal with - or, even better, Tony would just be all Tony about it and think the whole thing was his fantastic idea. That was definitely the best way to play it.

Her phone beeped, then, and she sighed but felt slightly relieved to see it was from Jane. This instantly shifted to abject horror as she read the message. _Darcy! Thor was just talking about Steve’s super everything and...what if he has super sperm? You need to be CAREFUL! (though you would have adorbs babies)_

It was highly probable, she decided, that the makers of Xanax had envisioned this exact scenario when they thought of the various applications of their new pharmaceutical. She broke one in half and took it down with some water.

* * * *

She had no idea what dressing casually meant, when one was going on a date with someone from a different time period. She aired on the side of caution by choosing a jersey wrap dress, cardigan, and scarf to avoid cleavage related scandal - and which could, of course, be removed if scandal turned out to be in order. She was relieved to see Steve in khakis and one of the flannel shirts he seemed to prefer, and for which she had developed a definite fondness for.

He brought her in for a hug, again, and gave her a light kiss. “Thank you so much for the flowers,” she said. “They were really lovely.”

Steve blushed, slightly, and took her hand. “I’m glad you liked them,” he said, voice soft.

There was a car waiting for them outside. “I didn’t think it was necessary,” he said. “But then Pepper told me it was a pretty long subway ride to where...so...”

“You don’t need to apologize,” Darcy said, sliding in. “Have you ever ridden on the subway?” 

“Well, in the...before,” Steve said. “From Brooklyn into Manhattan.” 

“Hold onto those memories,” Darcy said. She was about to mention the various horrors of the subway, but stopped when she realized that Steve might take it upon himself to deal with the various perverts - which would be effective, and a good use of his skills, but on the other hand it was not a context she needed him to see her in. Instead, she offered her tamest subway story. “Once, this guy sat next to me and started telling me about how he was King of the Bronx and I needed to pay him allegiance in the form of five dollars.” 

“Did you?” Steve asked, and his horrified expression indicated to Darcy she had made the right call.

“Sure,” she said. “One less cup of coffee.”

“A cup of coffee costs five dollars?” Steve asked. 

“Well, a fancy one,” Darcy replied. Steve shook his head, slightly, and then smiled at her. 

“So,” he said, “how did you end up working for Jane, anyway?” 

Darcy again made an executive decision, omitting the part about the douchebag rower, and instead talked about how she was getting a little stir crazy at college and needed a change of pace and then proceeded to share her version of the story about how she had tasered Thor and then how Jane had run him over, again, once he got out of the hospital. Steve laughed at all of the appropriate parts, and seemed to relax as well. It gave her an opportunity to ogle him as she made eye contact - because that was what you did, when conversing, and he had very nice eyes. 

“What about you?” she asked. “How did you know you wanted to go to art school?” And Steve told her about Bucky - and she squeezed his hand, when this was brought up, because - and how they used to make up comics together, with Bucky doing the stories and Steve doing the illustrations, and then about the time he had won a prize for a drawing he had done in school. 

And by the time they got to this point - and thank goodness, because Darcy had hoped to avoid too much of the angst and backstory, at least at this stage of things, and might have been why she had told him the very long answer to his question - they arrived at their destination. Darcy instantly caught the hint of salt and ocean in the air, and smiled. 

“I used to come here,” Steve said, extending his hand and helping her get out of the car. He turned her towards the ocean, and the view made it immediately clear where they were.

“Oh, wow,” she said. “I’ve always wanted to...” She grinned at him. “I love roller coasters.” 

Steve glanced downwards, and smiled. “I used to have to put lifts in my shoes so I could get on,” he said, voice soft. Darcy glanced up at him - up, up, since he almost had a foot on her, and kissed him, in the same chaste way he had earlier. She hoped it was enough, since she wasn’t entirely sure what to say to that. “I know it’s not very fancy, but would you like to get a hot dog?”

“Are you kidding?” she asked. “I love hot dogs.” 

They had most of the whole Coney Island experience. Darcy was pretty sure that Steve Rogers was not the sort of person who would enjoy the sideshow, much as she wanted to see the geek and the guy who could lift twenty pounds with his penis - and besides, that might lead to a really awkward discussion... By the time that it was dark, they were in line for ice cream on the board walk. 

“This has been awesome,” she said. “I mean, swell?”

“Are they the same?” Steve asked.

“I’m not sure. Awesome is like, eight of ten.” Steve shook his head back and forth, slightly, and then shrugged. 

“It has been awesome, then,” he said. “Excuse me,” he said, and turned.

A woman was standing behind them, and had two children, maybe twelve and nine, with her. “See, mom, I told you!” the younger one said, and Darcy realized that he had pulled on Steve’s pants.

“I am so sorry,” the woman said. 

“Oh, no, it’s fine,” said Steve, plastering the Captain America trademark grin across his face. He bent down on his knee, while still holding Darcy’s hand, so he was about eye level with the boys. “It’s just, would you mind keeping it down? I’m out with this young woman, and-”

“You’re on a date?” asked the older boy. The mother looked at Darcy and furrowed her brows slightly, and Darcy thought, _yeah, biatch, that’s right. Woot._

“Yes,” said Steve. “So I would appreciate it if we kept this a secret.” He winked at the kid, and she recalled Jane's earlier text message, and felt an actual tingle in her ovaries. It reminded her of a conversation she had with her best friend in college, Cate, when Darcy had asked her how she knew she was in love with her boyfriend. _When I felt an overwhelming desire to spawn with him,_ Cate had replied. 

“Can you sign my backpack?” the younger one said. He turned, revealing his Captain America shield backpack. Steve beamed.

 _Shit,_ Darcy thought. _I have it bad._

“Sure - do you have..?”

“I do,” Darcy said, reaching into her bag and pulling out her trusted Sharpie - because hey, you never knew when someone was going to pass out with their shoes on.* “Here you go,” she said. 

Steve dutifully signed the backpack, and then a piece of paper that was fished out of the backpack for the older boy, who was desperately attempting to pretend to be too cool to ask but also quite clearly wanting Steve’s signature.

“Thanks,” the mom said, and then she winked at Darcy.

“Sorry,” Steve said, as the turned, and thankfully, they were next in line. “What do you want? Oh, gosh, ice cream flavors have got a lot more complicated...”

“Cotton candy,” Darcy replied. 

“Captain America’s girlfriend has really big boobs, mom,” said the younger boy, and Darcy fought for a few moments to keep it in and then had to burst into a fit of giggles as Steve rapidly went from pink to red as they waited for the teenager behind the counter to return with their ice cream. Steve paid, quickly, and fumbled getting the change into his wallet.

“I’m really sorry,” the mom said, as they turned, and both boys were pointedly looking at Darcy’s breasts. 

Steve walked away, his pace and stride a little much for Darcy to keep up with. When he realized this, he slowed. “I am so sorry,” he said. “And...do kids really talk like that, these days? I would have got - well, I would not have got ice cream, that is for sure.”

“Steve - it’s fine,” said Darcy. “Trust me, it’s not the first time.” She smiled, and then realized that this was probably not the best panacea, since Steve was still the same color as her ice cream and now appeared...offended on her behalf? Definitely offended on her behalf. Darcy had to press her lips together. _PG-13 thoughts, Lewis_ she thought. 

“Uhm.” Steve managed, looked down, and then looked her in the eyes. “You do have a lovely figure.” He sort of mumbled it, which was very, very cute. Darcy smiled, and then he gave her another one of those light kisses - which Darcy was beginning to appreciate, because, at this point? In college? “Do you want to walk along the boardwalk?”

“Sure,” she said, and licked at her ice cream - conscious of the fact that she should not make the ice cream consumption too...they were going to get there eventually, but probably not because pre-pubescent boys had spurred them on.

Steve took her hand as they walked. “How is it?” he asked. “I’ve never had cotton candy.” He had opted for chocolate - a slight surprise. She was pretty sure it was obligatory for Captain America to like vanilla. Maybe it only applied when he was in the suit.

She directed the cone towards his mouth, and he flinched for a moment and then accepted it, taking in a good amount and rolling it around before swallowing. “Oh, that’s nice,” he said.

“And pink,” she replied, and then turned at the sound of an explosion, but then she grinned. Fireworks were being lit from somewhere on the beach, and Steve wrapped an arm around her waist as they turned towards them. 

“Good timing,” he said. 

Darcy dropped the almost empty cone on the ground, because kissing > and this time worked Steve’s mouth open. His tongue was cold, and he froze momentarily before settling into the kiss. He had both hands on her waist, and they were large, and strong, and definitely made her think untoward thoughts. 

Eventually, they broke, and a large firework lit up the distance. 

“I’ll say,” she replied.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *where I went to college, the rule was that anyone who fell asleep/passed out with their shoes on had done so unintentionally and because they had consumed too much alcohol. Therefore, it was fair game to draw on them with permanent marker, though it was generally accepted you avoided the face unless the person was, in fact, a real douchebag. 
> 
> \- - - -  
> So, we conclude with much sappiness. Oh, the feels!


End file.
